In the blender. Roto-tilled. In a freefall.
That’s how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks, Shaman Girls. Deep stirring. Lots of questions about who I am, what I want to do, and how I relate to my loved ones. Which means there has been self-doubt, anger, tears, and confusion kicked up in the process.
Inside my head resembles the inside of a tumbler:
Do I truly value what I do as a mom and wife?
What makes me successful?
Can I give myself the unconditional love I used to get from people who are no longer part of my daily life?
How do I navigate without the grounding foundation of my childhood home (which just was sold)?
How do I best help my aging parents who can be maddening and delightful all rolled into one?
Am I hiding? Ready to go out into the world and share my light?
It hasn’t been pretty living here in the muck. It’s been downright messy.
I’ve been so struck by my human-ness – being hurt and vulnerable and in a body that has physical and emotional ups and downs.
The most breath-taking aspect of this journey has been how IN it I’ve been. I’ve been staring at all these gnarly little pieces of darkness inside of me so intensely – and with a magnifying glass, that I forgot that they are little pieces of darkness. I forgot about my basic nature – which is light. Whew.
It took quite a few massages and women friends and long talks with Shaman Guy and baths and sitting in silence and giving myself permission to do whatever I felt like for days on end to see.
I can see the light now and I hope that in my sharing, YOU see the light in you too.
Because EVERYONE I’ve been running into these days seems to be mucky messy. My friends who are teachers and healers – they are going through it too. My friends who are just starting out on a path of exploration and awareness – yep, check. Those of you who message me on Facebook, you know what I’m talking about. Playground friends? I’m willing to bet they are too, even if we haven’t gotten close enough to talk about it yet. We are all a bit topsy-turvy and this is okay.
As soon as I popped back into remembering who I am: Light. Love. And yes, human too. I had a good laugh-fest. It is so humbling to forget and remember, forget and remember.
As far as I can tell, this evolving process is happening to the vast majority of us. If one of us is in the “forgetting/lost” phase, then another one of us is in the holding the light-holding the space place.
And that is my deepest wish for this Shaman Girl community. We can be open and vulnerable and holding the space for each other, for all of it. For the messy and the magic. From the muck and the light. We can remind each other of who we truly are, of our potential. We can rub backs, cheer each other on, provide a shoulder to cry on, lend an encouraging word or two.
We are all in this together. You are not alone.
So if you see a friend who says they are “fine,” but their face says otherwise, maybe ask a gentle “Really? I’m here to talk if you need to.” If you see a mom at pick-up that seems to be dressed just so and an ugly thought comes to mind, perhaps soften a little and know that she has her own doubts and fears to wrestle with too. And if you start thinking that no one else could possibly be as pissed-confused-sick-fill-in-the-blank as you are, then stop by Shaman Girl Facebook and refill your tanks or tell us how you are feeling.
I am beyond grateful for my community of women-friends who support me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I adore you. And for those of you that I haven’t met yet, welcome. Pull up a chair. We laugh and cry here. There’s room for you too. Welcome.