Not in Charge, Thank God

“I’m not the conductor of my life,” Susan says emphatically with a smile. She pauses and laughs, “And really, I prefer it that way.”

I nod, transported momentarily by her image. I feel the power of a universal conductor, waving a baton and creating ripples in my life. My being recognizes the truth of what Susan has said, even as I go about the motions of sitting down to eat with her and some friends.

Susan’s phrase and images lingers with me for days. I often hear words that “pop out” from the chatter of daily life, making an imprint on my consciousness. And this is one of them.

I’ve been struggling… surrendering… trusting… letting go… fighting… through expanding both in my personal life and my business. Having moments of great clarity, then wondering, “Am I on the right path? Is this really expressing my soul purpose? Should I do this or that?” It’s been both exhilarating and at times, wearisome.

Then an unexpected phone call burst my illusion of “knowing” and being “in control” of my life. I had to laugh. The possibility the call brings aligns with my intent, but is not on my timeline. Whether it comes to fruition or not, the call was so bizarrely unlikely to have happened – and a totally unexpected solution to a challenge – that I could do nothing more than acknowledge that I’m not the conductor of my life. There are forces larger than my small imagination at play. And really – I prefer it that way, once my inner toddler is done having her tantrum.

For many years, the idea that a greater force was guiding my life pissed me off and spooked me out. [That’s your tweetable! Click to Tweet.] What do you mean that I couldn’t throw my will, my intelligence, my hard work, and determination at a situation and bend it to my liking?

Now? I thank that force – call it God, the universe, whatever floats your boat –  for continually nudging me toward my true nature. The more I travel down a spiritual path and surrender my illusion of control, the more life delivers not what I think I want, but what really, truly makes me content – in ways I couldn’t even envision.

Studying with a shaman after a major, mind-blowing heartbreak? Huh?? Moving from California to Boston, away from a life I loved? Never would have knowingly wanted that. Marrying a blonde haired, blue-eyed carpenter two weeks after our first date? No way, give me a dark, rich hottie please. Having a baby? Not in my plans.

Yet each of these life events where EXACTLY PERFECTLY what my heart and soul wanted – and needed. And I could not have predicted any of them. In fact, I would have vehemently insisted that I wasn’t the least bit interested – are you f*in out of your mind?  – had you suggested any of them to me even months before they took shape.

Shows you how little I know.

These days, I take great comfort in knowing in my marrow that I’m not the ultimate head honcho. That doesn’t prevent me for occasionally forgetting and getting my panties all knotted up in a ball when life doesn’t appear to be going according to my measly plans. Yet when I slow down and let go, when I trust that no matter how shaky or messy life seems in this moment, in a few weeks or months or years from now, I’ll look back at this time and have a great story to tell and be living even more closely in alignment with my true nature. I’ll be expressing my inner light and living my daily life in a way that not only makes my own heart sing, but touches other’s as well.

Life may be the grand conductor, but I’m its instrument. I can try to go against its beat. I can cross my arms and resist playing. Or I can let the music carry me away and be delightfully surprised at our co-creation.

Please, God, let me stop my silly, small shenanigans, and instead whole-heartedly play. Let’s rock out.

Yours,