“Shame on you!” My sweet and strict Gram points her finger at 8 year old me and I cringe at whatever behavior elicited her Irish wrath. I feel as if I’m been cursed.
Shame hasn’t played a prominent role in my life since then.
Over the past few weeks Shaman Guy and I have come to a more truthful understanding our financial situation. A confluence of factors – overspending, not paying attention, being generous to others at our own expense, business slowing down (the list continues) – have awoken us to needing to make some shifts.
I’ve watched myself feel excited by the possibilities, scared to the point of feeling like I can’t catch my breath, agitated, subtly delaying paying bills or having conversations with others who will be affected by the new budget. It’s brought me to be more present in the moment, to be more grateful for what we do have.
And it’s forced me to question how I choose to think, feel, be, act. How I really think, feel and act.
I can choose to see the good – the money , resources, and options we do have available. The understanding and love of our friends and family. Our ability to clearly see what’s happening and make changes.
Or I can focus on the lack and uncertainty. I can berate myself for getting into this position (again). I can project dire scenarios in the future. I can feel stupid for espousing abundance to many people while living beyond our means. I can wonder how the hell we’re going to get out of this one (unfortunately we didn’t win that Powerball!) and what kind of sacrifices and deep shifts we’re going to have to make.
Shame, and its cousin’s embarrassment and guilt can lurk in the shadows of my awareness. I can let my feelings of “I can’t believe I was that blind” or “what will others think of me if they know the truth?” skulk about in dark recesses. Or I can muster my courage to confront them face on.
I’ve been walking a fine, fine line between acceptance and fear, gratitude and oh God! But I’ve been clear on one point:
No more shame on me. No mas.
The roots of the word shame means “to cover.” Shame tries to entice us to cover our faces or hide under a cloak. Yet the essence of shame is that it energetically covers our light within.
But I’m not going to cower and hide.
I am a truth teller.
And even though it is often uncomfortable to tell the truth, it also is my path of staying in my integrity, my light. I refuse to let my own image of what my life looks like to others or how I think my life should be to seduce me into hiding or playing small
I see you. I hear you. I will name you and call you what you are: old beliefs and lies.
I’m shining my light, my awareness on all of me. The scared-y parts and the powerful ones. The fragments that I wish you weren’t there and the tender, vulnerable, strong one who’s emerging. I am accepting them all, loving them all. You are all welcome.
I am guessing that many of you Shaman Girlies can relate to what I’m saying. Maybe there’s some part of your life or your inner world that keeps trying to seduce you to play small or hide. Please say no. No, no, no, NooooOOOOO. We need all the truth tellers we can gather these days. You don’t need to broadcast it on a blog, but at least get real and raw within yourself. As each one of us has the courage to say it like it is, it sparks another light to shine too. We are so in this together.
So I bow to you, shame. Thank you. Thank you for increasing my awareness and for healing what is out of alignment. Thanks for coming out – but… no thank you. No more.